Saturday, March 20, 2010

Thanatopsis

Diane's brother James, Diane and I were poking around in THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY by misanthrope Ambrose Bierce and a copy of WEBSTER'S UNABRIDGED (a nice book to keep handy as long as you have a table strong enough to support it) when we came upon the word "thanatopsis." I found my picture there.

I have an irrational fear of Death. Maybe if I live to be a hundred I will be more open to meeting it, but I don't think so. Death scares the living bejeesus out of me.

At 60, I have buried both my parents, both Diane's, and seen many other family members and friends pass away. I have lost countless pets. Yet I consider myself to be extremely lucky -- knock on wood -- because Death has come into the neighborhood, even peered in at me, but left me alone. My brother, who is 75, agrees that we both have missed great dangers in our lives, me more than him. I commented that, had I been drafted in 1969 and sent to Vietnam, I would not have lasted a day over there. Instead I drew 365 in the first selective service lottery. Then I wrecked my knee.

Still, I fear Death's coming. I fear the dying, the after. So I live my life as fully as I can, day to day. I treasure my old friends and new, the music, films and books, the things I can still do and see. I love life and find it utterly amazing, and I have learned not to let my fears diminish the living.

I do have one stronger fear -- of letting people down. Especially my beautiful wife. I don;t know the word for that.

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